all that i am
by reignofdreams
Summary: Killian wonders if he's truly worthy of Emma. Emma will not tolerate such doubts. (spoilers for s04e04)


_**A/N: **What was intended to be a drabble became nearly a thousand words. Oh well. Angst with a happy ending because I can't help exploring insecure Killian._

_**Warning:** Spoilers if you haven't seen the episode yet._

* * *

><p>Killian stands before Emma's door for long moments after it closes.<p>

He grins at the brief exchange with her parents but it's a short lived amusement.

He stares at his restored hand, clenching and unclenching his fingers in agitation. Loses himself in the sense memory of being able to wrap both arms around Emma's waist, of sliding both hands through her hair and not having to spare any thought of hurting her inadvertently.

For the first time in centuries he is whole…and he is afraid.

One slip…one brief moment of blind anger on their date and suddenly every bit of self-confidence crumbles. He could chalk it up to nerves, assure himself it's a one time deal. But the crocodile's words are already crawling beneath his skin, wriggling into every crack, feeding every doubt.

Killian has always doubted.

Even as Emma has smiled at him, freely admitted she trusts him, _kissed him_…even then Killian has doubted. That he's changed, that he's good enough, that even without his hand he can be enough—doubted that for _her_, for Emma, Killian Jones is a new man. But when she opened the door earlier that evening, as his heart stopped and he basked in her approving smile, he shoved away those doubts, resolved that he was more than what vengeance had made of him.

Killian stumbles upon the rogue from earlier breaking into the library and something snaps. It isn't rational, isn't justified, but it doesn't matter as his knuckles split when they connect with a jaw. It's pointless rage and when Killian comes back to himself, he is revolted and horrified and all of the joy of the night turns to lead in his stomach.

Gold was right.

Magic comes with a price, everyone in this accursed town is constantly repeating it, and in all his arrogant foolishness Killian thought that this could be an exception.

He's an idiot and a fool.

Attacking Gold is the breaking point and Killian fights to keep the despair from spilling over. He makes a desperate deal with a despicable man, and drinks alone on the pier until oblivion takes him.

* * *

><p>He walks into the Sheriff's office after regaining his hook with the heavy gate of a condemned man. He was a fool to think he could change, to believe that loving Emma could, if not erase then at least balance out, the mistakes and some of the choices he's made in the past.<p>

Killian approaches Emma and freezes when he sees the man she's interrogating, the star witness to his spectacular failure. The man (Will?) meets his eyes, and Killian barely breathes as he answers Emma with some vague rejoinder. Killian feels little relief.

Emma smiles at him and it is all he can do to keep from fleeing in shame.

"What the hell happened to your hand?"

She asks it so casually and it takes every last scrap of willpower to respond, "It appears the Dark One's magic wasn't all I hoped it'd be."

He's relieved when she accepts the answer without question.

A bit prematurely it seems.

"What's the matter, Killian?" Emma asks when he walks her home for the evening.

He's caught by surprise, a pitiful excuse on his lips ready when she silences him with a gentle admonition.

"Don't," she says, and her beautiful green eyes are too knowing. "Whatever witty misdirection you had in mind save it. I can tell something's been eating at you all day. I'm not the only open book."

Killian remains silent, at a loss for words as he usually is when confronted with this beautiful confounding woman's sincerity.

"Is it about your hand?"

He wants _so badly_ to answer yes, to let her believe it's just disappointment.

But he can't lie to her.

"Yes," Killian answers, averting his gaze from hers. "And no."

"Killian…"

"My behavior over dinner last night was unacceptable." He takes a fortifying breath looking at his hook with a deep frown. "You deserve—I thought I'd…I don't want to _be_ that man anymore. You _deserve_ better. And I expected more from myself."

He doesn't look for her reaction, can't bare to see agreement in her eyes. The gentle touch of her fingers against his stubbled jaw draws a gasp from his lips. She draws his gaze to her own and Killian can't stop his heart from hammering.

"Listen to me, Killian," Emma says softly. "One hand or two, it doesn't matter to me. What matters is that you are a _good man_. And you are human. Three hundred years is a long time. I don't expect you to change completely or overnight. I probably wouldn't believe you or even be here if you did."

He wants to believe her, wants to take her words to heart. But he thinks of Will and the Crocodile and he can't allow himself that luxury. Killian moves to pull away, but Emma reads the intent and brings her other hand to the back of his neck, holding him in place.

"You were so patient with me," she says, and Killian feels his resolve weakening. "It's only fair that you be patient with yourself. I _believe_ in you, Killian. Do you understand me?"

And that's all it takes. Because in truth, despite Gold's twisted games and accusations, Killian knows that he _isn't_ the man he was. The ruthless Captain Hook may still linger, but for Emma…for Emma, Killian is willing to do anything and give everything to be even half the man that she deserves. He _can_ change and he will.

"Aye, I understand," he answers, and the smile that lights her face is as brilliant as the sun. He's more than happy to let Emma pull him into a kiss, lips soft and warm and _home_.

_This_ is what he lives for, what he fights to protect and cherish. All that he is and all that he will be revolves around the overwhelming love and affection and admiration he feels for her. In the end, that's all that really matters.


End file.
